Taming our Dragons
"Dragon" Flower, San Francisco, 2004.
"We, however, are not prisoners. No traps or snares are set about us, and there is nothing which should intimidate or worry us. We are set down in life as in the element to which we best correspond, and over and above this we have through thousands of years of accommodation become so like this life, that when we hold still we are, through a happy mimicry, scarcely to be distinguished from all that surrounds us.We have no reason to mistrust our world, for it is not against us. Has it terrors, they are our terrors; has it abysses, those abysses belong to us; are dangers at hand, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange our life according to that principle which counsels us that we must always hold to the difficult, then that which now still seems to us the most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful. How should we be able to forget those ancient myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us." Rainer Maria Rilke
The quote above has so much truth in it. I can extract so much from each line... I relate to it in so many levels.
I'm on a mission to find once again my creative path, as you know. The deepest and darkest truth though, is that I've always wanted to be an artist but somehow, every time I planned to go on that journey, the dragons appeared, scared me and made me change course. Whether it was the fear dragon, the money dragon, the visa dragon or the tension dragon, somehow I never believed in myself quiet enough to face neither of them with bravery. Instead, I went on to support other artists and made a career as a producer... Just so I could be close enough to other artists, in case I was ready to unfold and shine artistically at some point... Just so I could be close enough to lean over and sniff the flowers on someone else's desk...
When I finally took on the challenge to dig deep into this pattern of mine, my coach at the time, asked me the following question: Why don't you trust that you can do this, if you say this is your true nature? Aren't you successful at your current work even though it is not YOU? So why would something that actually is your true nature be HARDER to pursue? Shouldn't it be EASIER? OR... Are you afraid of failing and finding out (perhaps) that you're not who you've been saying that you really are?
And that, my friends, was a "bingo" moment. Of course I've been hiding under that shadow! What if I do what (I think) I'm meant to do, and it turns out to be bad, unsuccessful and mocked? What would I do with that good ol' dream inside? Could I even go on with life as is, without nursing that baby dream anymore?
Inevitably, all these questions are re-emerging from the darkness as I progress with my dream projects now. It's as if there was a pulsing energetic field commanding my thoughts and feelings. One day I'm high on colors and the next, I'm low with doubts: "What if I fail? I don't have time for this. Do I really want to give up the pay check?"
The reality is that my new projects are sweeping all corners of the house, pulling the clutter out and making room for the new life I'm seeking and which includes them... But at the end of the day, I'm still keeping the day job and dedicating very limited time and space to what really nourishes and needs me. In other words, the windows of the house are still closed and I'm suffocating on the dust emerging... I'm wondering: "Can I hold my breath a little longer?"
Artist Jeanne Carbonetti discusses the process of "holding" in her amazing book: Making Pearls ~ living the creative life". She writes that holding is a beautiful and important pre-requisite on the creation process, and if we can hang on long enough, the path will become clear. But we must be willing to also hold to our dream when the path is not clear. She compares the artist creation to pearl making (and I think her metaphor is genius)! She says that the oyster holds on to the irritation (sand or other foreign matter) logged inside it's shell, in order for that to become a pearl. In that process, the oyster should/ could open up and let out what is bothering inside. But it knows to stay closed enough to continue digesting and filtering its food as a matter of survival. The oyster nourishment hinges on hanging in there and continuing with the chores for a little longer (until the pearl is ready!). Likewise, as artists we must hold on to our vision to see it through. Some artists hold on to their craft and "make of their life their livelihood, while others, equally gifted, never develop a body of work".
"Holding is a conscious decision to stay with it all. It requires faith, equanimity, concentration, and imagination in the face of such dragons as boredom, uncertainty and tension."
I started an illo about my relationship to my dragons. I wanted to post it here with these words, but alas, it was just stopping me from getting on with the writing... I will share it with you when it's done.
In the meantime... Hold on to those wild dreams of yours... I'm holding onto mine over here too. :)