Land of the Medicine Buddha, Fall 2009.
Sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing of its loveliness,
to put a hand on the brow of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
“You are lovely …. You are lovely”
Until it flowers again from within of self-blessing.
by Galway Kinnell
Land of the Medicine Buddha, Fall 2009.
It is not by chance that I started this week in silence here on the blog. Over the weekend I participated on a silent yin yoga retreat with one of my long time favorite yoga teachers, Dina Amsterdam. The retreat was held at a beautiful tibetan monastery surrounded by redwoods, in the Santa Cruz Mountains. Lush ferns, temples, prayer wheels, wind charms, tibetan prayer flags hung all over the forest, little altars hidden in the woods, creeks and shrines… The Land of the Medicine Buddha indeed felt much like the monasteries I visited a few years ago in the Himalayas.
I arrived late and so I missed the orientation and the initial hellos. As a result, I found my fellow retreaters already in silence, lounging in their own quiet inward space. In the dining hall, all I could hear was the sound of utensils clicking on the porcelain dishes, the scratching of chairs against the floors, the door squeaking open and close… I was pretty creeped out to be honest, even though, in general, I’m pretty comfortable in silence. I love long cross-country rides, planes, quiet hikes and I also practice silence every time I am focused on seeing, every time I am focused on my photography. But this kind of silence was different. It was a group silence and therefore a silence that carried not only my energy, but also the vibration of those around me as well. In addition, it was a silence that granted more than just the absence of words. It invited to turn off the ‘seeing’ part as well and offered the opportunity to not be distracted by communication of any kind or any social necessity (read: small talk, thank yous, smiles, looks, etc). You could just turn to the world inside and not at all be concerned with what was around you.
Well, despite the beauty of this quiet utopia, I was not a happy camper. I was like a “duracell energizer bunny” walking around the compound and up and down the hill, trying to figure out what to do with myself. I would grab a chair to sit down and relax, and after 2 minutes I’d stand up and go to another spot. If I was in the shade, I wanted to move to the sun, if I was sitting, I wanted to lay down. I was uncomfortable, self conscious and restless. I was feeling incredibly vulnerable. Needless to say, it look less than an hour for me to be busted with my camera at hand. “You’re supposed to look inside”, said Dina, gently. All right All right. I use the camera as a crutch. No news there. But what to do? “Nothing” she said. Errr… I couldn’t get it. After much fidgeting and attempts to pack and go, I felt like a looser and headed back to my room to take a nap. I melted in deep sleep for over 14 hours. I know I know… I took the easy way out into silence… But truly, it was the only way. It was what I needed.
Land of the Medicine Buddha, Fall 2009.
The next day, I was rested but still filled with anxiety. I had planned to attend this retreat with an agenda to solve a bunch of internal puzzles. But instead, all that meditation, breathing work and yoga was distracting me from my task at hand. I kept thinking that I needed to catch up before I could relax. Then Dina approached me and said something like that: “Alex, you are here now. This is your experience and this may be your entire experience. It may never change. You may be anxious the whole time. Just be present.” Oh hello there, mindfulness. That’s right. This whole meditation thing is about staying present. Ahhh…. And just like that the walls collapsed. I did not want to miss on the whole experience of being with myself. What a reality check! How frequently in my life am I neglecting “what is”, in hopes of what could have been or what it may be? The answer to this question is: Too frequently for my own good!
And so I began participating and living in the moment. The meditation, yin and jin shin jyutsu practice (amazing!!) wiped the slate clean for me. I couldn’t think of anything I originally intended to “work out”. I just truly enjoyed being in the exercises, in my own skin, in my body and in my own shallow drum filled only with warmth and my heart beat… Hmmm. It felt delicious, actually. In addition, I realized I had been so consumed with the visual aspect of the retreat, seeing someone else’s experience, that I forgot to look inside. Sigh. Sometimes being in silence means not only shutting your mouth but also your eyes too, or whatever it is that distracts you from your own life. Without having to go too much into it, I can tell you that this very habit of ‘seeing’ (looking outside of myself) too much, generates a lot of the suffering I carry on the daily basis: lack of acceptance, lack of confidence, judgement, resentment… But in the end, it is that simple :) If I can just learn to refocus: I am here (in my body), I am open (in my hear) and I am awake (in my mind) in the present, then I am actually okay. I’m enough. And if I can let all the other crap (that is not me) wash away down the river, so I can reacquaint myself with my own loveliness…. Well, then I am lovely and ready to blossom – effortlessly – once again. (It’s not called life practice for nothin’… If you know what I mean…)
Sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing of its loveliness,
to put a hand on the brow of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
“You are lovely …. You are lovely”
Until it flowers again from within of self-blessing.
by Galway Kinnell
I wish you nothing less
than the quiet space you need
to see and feel your own loveliness ~
***
I highly recommend Dina Amsterdam’s classes and workshops. Find out more about her unique style and credentials over here.
Inspired by Silence
October 8, 2009
17 Comments | Add a Comment |
Posted in Archives (My Journey), Soulful
Sigh.
You are lovely
You are lovely.
x
You were right in my backyard! I’m a huge fan of your blog and I live in the Santa Cruz Mountains…
What a lovely coincidence.
love this ~ love you!
xoxo
Ah, you were in my hood! I am glad you had such a lovely retreat… such a lovely place!
What a beautiful post – and a lovely poem.
Thank you for this. Finding security in the present moment…an endless quest.
What a beautiful experience! Unfortunately very recognisable. How often do we forget the essence of life by doing things we don’t really want to. And are choosing that way thinking it is an ‘easy’ way but in fact we make life harder for ourselves. Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful piece (and peace) Alex… xo
Hi Alex! I constantly have to remind myself to do this. ‘Be in the present’. I am a dreamer, which is a good thing but it can distract from the greatness of right now. Lovely post
Alex, your posts truly are inspiring…I check them out every once in a while, when I get a moment away from the fast pace of life, but I always seem to enjoy what you have to say. Thanks for sharing your experiences and knowledge. It always gives me a peace of mind. Hope to talk soon : ]
The other Alex
In silence comes truth…yum! xx
oh my. came here just for what i needed.
sweet silence. loveliness.
yours.
and mine.
loving you and wishing we could share another cup of something and all the words that would follow. so much has happened since our first meeting…
lisa
oh my, yes. this will resonate for a long time, and the timing of this could not be better. thank you, thank you.
oh my, yes. this will resonate for a long time, and the timing of this could not be better. thank you, thank you.
A yoga retreat sounds fabulous. I cannot believe I have never even tried yoga. Me, who is so free spirited. I must change that soon!
(Lost my link list while trying to build a new blog. Glad I found you via a friend’s blog. Hope life is splendid for you and yours!)
mmmmm…..lovely
Amazing Alex! Amazing….Peace. CigarPlayer