"Dragon" Flower, San Francisco, 2004.
"We, however, are not prisoners. No traps or snares are set about us, and there is nothing which should intimidate or worry us. We are set down in life as in the element to which we best correspond, and over and above this we have through thousands of years of accommodation become so like this life, that when we hold still we are, through a happy mimicry, scarcely to be distinguished from all that surrounds us.We have no reason to mistrust our world, for it is not against us. Has it terrors, they are our terrors; has it abysses, those abysses belong to us; are dangers at hand, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange our life according to that principle which counsels us that we must always hold to the difficult, then that which now still seems to us the most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful. How should we be able to forget those ancient myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us." Rainer Maria Rilke
The quote above has so much truth in it. I can extract so much from each line... I relate to it in so many levels.
I'm on a mission to find once again my creative path, as you know. The deepest and darkest truth though, is that I've always wanted to be an artist but somehow, every time I planned to go on that journey, the dragons appeared, scared me and made me change course. Whether it was the fear dragon, the money dragon, the visa dragon or the tension dragon, somehow I never believed in myself quiet enough to face neither of them with bravery. Instead, I went on to support other artists and made a career as a producer... Just so I could be close enough to other artists, in case I was ready to unfold and shine artistically at some point... Just so I could be close enough to lean over and sniff the flowers on someone else's desk...
When I finally took on the challenge to dig deep into this pattern of mine, my coach at the time, asked me the following question: Why don't you trust that you can do this, if you say this is your true nature? Aren't you successful at your current work even though it is not YOU? So why would something that actually is your true nature be HARDER to pursue? Shouldn't it be EASIER? OR... Are you afraid of failing and finding out (perhaps) that you're not who you've been saying that you really are?
And that, my friends, was a "bingo" moment. Of course I've been hiding under that shadow! What if I do what (I think) I'm meant to do, and it turns out to be bad, unsuccessful and mocked? What would I do with that good ol' dream inside? Could I even go on with life as is, without nursing that baby dream anymore?
Inevitably, all these questions are re-emerging from the darkness as I progress with my dream projects now. It's as if there was a pulsing energetic field commanding my thoughts and feelings. One day I'm high on colors and the next, I'm low with doubts: "What if I fail? I don't have time for this. Do I really want to give up the pay check?"
The reality is that my new projects are sweeping all corners of the house, pulling the clutter out and making room for the new life I'm seeking and which includes them... But at the end of the day, I'm still keeping the day job and dedicating very limited time and space to what really nourishes and needs me. In other words, the windows of the house are still closed and I'm suffocating on the dust emerging... I'm wondering: "Can I hold my breath a little longer?"
Artist Jeanne Carbonetti discusses the process of "holding" in her amazing book: Making Pearls ~ living the creative life". She writes that holding is a beautiful and important pre-requisite on the creation process, and if we can hang on long enough, the path will become clear. But we must be willing to also hold to our dream when the path is not clear. She compares the artist creation to pearl making (and I think her metaphor is genius)! She says that the oyster holds on to the irritation (sand or other foreign matter) logged inside it's shell, in order for that to become a pearl. In that process, the oyster should/ could open up and let out what is bothering inside. But it knows to stay closed enough to continue digesting and filtering its food as a matter of survival. The oyster nourishment hinges on hanging in there and continuing with the chores for a little longer (until the pearl is ready!). Likewise, as artists we must hold on to our vision to see it through. Some artists hold on to their craft and "make of their life their livelihood, while others, equally gifted, never develop a body of work".
"Holding is a conscious decision to stay with it all. It requires faith, equanimity, concentration, and imagination in the face of such dragons as boredom, uncertainty and tension."
I started an illo about my relationship to my dragons. I wanted to post it here with these words, but alas, it was just stopping me from getting on with the writing... I will share it with you when it's done.
In the meantime... Hold on to those wild dreams of yours... I'm holding onto mine over here too. :)
Comments (17)
Thank you for this, Alex. It's just beautiful and a perfect thing for me to read right now. I am really struggling with this same thing and it's such a good reminder to remember to "hold on" to my dreams, my joys, my visions, my true gifts no matter what my day looks like. We're getting there!
Posted by rubyslippers | April 3, 2007 4:39 PM
Posted on April 3, 2007 16:39
i remember how i felt when nic first told me he was ready to go travelling with me. it's been a dream of mine for many years. *oh shit* was my first thought... after dreaming about it for all these years, what if it's not... what if i fail... what if, what if, what if! shine your light baby, it truly is beautiful. and if you falter, let us, your friends help pick you up and support you in your dreams.
Posted by leonie | April 3, 2007 5:34 PM
Posted on April 3, 2007 17:34
It's amazing how we will hold on to things that really don't satisfy us or nurture us but the things that will do that for us we tend to shove away or resist... human nature, I suppose, but we are so much more than what we give oursleves credit for...
Good on you, Alex- keep holding on- and thank you for being our inspiration as well!
Posted by Regina Clare Jane | April 3, 2007 5:55 PM
Posted on April 3, 2007 17:55
This is brilliant. I completely relate this and adore this fresh perpective of it. I am indeed holding the dreams...and making my own creative plans as I do.
Thank you as always dear Alex.
xoxoxo
Posted by ceanandjen | April 4, 2007 2:34 PM
Posted on April 4, 2007 14:34
Most of the things you describe feel very familiar to me as we seem to be on the same journey, I think. Why is it that artists so often duck and misjudge their work as something the world doesn't need? What would our world be like *without* all the artwork??
And why do so many of us tend not to believe in their skills?
I might be a little too optimistc, but the way I currently see it, we have to start somewhere and that's best done by trusting ourslves and giving our creativity all that it needs to bloom. I am sure you will!
Posted by phoenixfeather | April 4, 2007 3:25 PM
Posted on April 4, 2007 15:25
This was perfect for me to read today as I am forging my creative pathway, I go through moments of sheer bliss, followed by moments of sheer terror. I am holding too. Your story sounds similar to mine. I worked as an "artist" in film, but never felt I was a true artist, I just wanted to be around other artists and like you say, "sniff the flowers on someone else's desk." I know I have spent too many years as what Julia Cameron calls a "shadow artist" Time to step out of the shadow into the sunshine, my sweet.
Posted by schmoops | April 4, 2007 4:26 PM
Posted on April 4, 2007 16:26
Very thought provoking and true. Lovely photo too.
Posted by Crafty Green Poet | April 5, 2007 10:38 AM
Posted on April 5, 2007 10:38
ahhhhhhhh - timely this quote for me -
i have been fighting my own little dragons and often feel like sleeping beauty -
waiting to awaken....
perfect quote by Rilke whom i absolutely
adore -
i am going to write this in my journal...
and you - YOU?
you were born with the artist alive in you - so how can you not soar?
Posted by sophie | April 5, 2007 2:03 PM
Posted on April 5, 2007 14:03
Linda, you always find such lovely ways of expressing things Alex. I'm so happy that you have taken the step to pursue these projects, face the dragons and move through the fear.
I'm here with you every step of the way - and hoping that you will find your own way to throw open the windows and let in all the fresh air you need.
xx
Posted by Frida | April 5, 2007 6:50 PM
Posted on April 5, 2007 18:50
this post really resonated with me. i'm getting ready to launch my photography business and in the midst of all the excitement is all the fear. like you i've always surrounded myself with very artistic/creative people. my closest friends are amazing artists/poets/writers. but it's as if all my life i've been trying to live out my artistry through them. i've struggled to embrace myself as an artist/writer/poet/photographer. but it's time...it's time to claim these things for myself...
Posted by la vie en rose | April 6, 2007 10:25 AM
Posted on April 6, 2007 10:25
fascinating post, and so much food for thought... holding out for the perfect moment, and being able to spot it when it arrives, takes wisdom. the paulo coelho approach in the alchemist where you burn your boats and follow your dream come what may, takes a lot more courage though...
feliz pascoa, querida, e que todos os seus sonhos se realizem. :-)
Posted by Marcos | April 8, 2007 1:08 AM
Posted on April 8, 2007 01:08
Great pearl analogy - I think all creativity requires a little friction to propel us forward even more. And you'll get there in the end - hold on to your wild dreams, indeed! You are making them happen. xo
Posted by Paris Parfait | April 8, 2007 5:40 AM
Posted on April 8, 2007 05:40
I love the photograph.
Rainer Marie Rilke: i just founf his letters to a young poet day before and it has so much truth, so much beauty, so much guidance in it.
thank you for the affirmation of holding on to one's dreams. i have just drawn up my lifelist: all the things i eventually want to do and then seems appropriate.
Posted by mahima | April 10, 2007 1:10 AM
Posted on April 10, 2007 01:10
Thank you for sharing those thoughts.
Posted by Judy | April 10, 2007 5:50 AM
Posted on April 10, 2007 05:50
LOVE Rilke! His poetry is beautiful, & so is his prose. This quote came at a good time. Also, the pearl idea is interesting. Making good from supposedly bad stuff! Brilliant stuff!! :D
Posted by [a} | April 11, 2007 11:32 AM
Posted on April 11, 2007 11:32
Wow. I really needed to read this post today.
Posted by susanna | April 11, 2007 4:53 PM
Posted on April 11, 2007 16:53
thank you - just thank you. I had need to inspiring words and a very strong woman in my life forwarded this on to me. I'm looking for my path right now - this has been an excellent road sign. Thank you.
Posted by erika | February 27, 2008 7:28 AM
Posted on February 27, 2008 07:28